Day 14: Community

A picture from our yearly reunion, I love these girls.  We all lost our little ones about the same time and have walked this rough path together.

Day 13: Signs

Rainbows are just one of the many signs I sometimes feel are sent to me by Emilyn and Hailey.  I remember one time on my way to work I saw a double rainbow and it ended up being a really hard day at work for me, I can't help but think that it was them letting me know that they were there for me.

The afternoon after I posted this, the following rainbows popped up.  I hadn't seen a rainbow in months, probably a year and yet here this one pops up the very day I made a posting about rainbows being a sign from my girls, and a double one at that!  I can't help thinking that this was a sign sent directly from them.  

Day 12: Scents

Originally I was going to skip this day because there is nothing pretty about the smells I remember from the girls.  They weren't here long enough for me to associate a good smell with them.  What I do remember is the scent of the formaldehyde after the mortuary workers embalmed them.  I wish I had been strong enough to say no, but it is what it is and I wasn't in the right frame of mind to think about what it would be like the next day.  So here it is, the chemical structure of formaldehyde.

Day 11: Supportive Friends and Family

My family has been there for me from the start, remembering my girls and talking to me about them whenever I want.

My March of Dimes family, wow, I don't know where I'd be without them!  Definitely not where I am now!

Emily met me just after losing the girls and probably heard more than she ever wanted to hear, lol, but she stuck with me through it and let me talk when I needed to talk!

Michelle, one of my nurses has been there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to, she listened to me in the very early and desperately miserable days and continues to be there whenever I need.

Ann, haha, wow, what would I have ever done without you.  She was my partner in crime giving people dirty looks when they said something insensitive and laughing at my not so nice comments about themafterwards and even making her own jokes.  She talked to me endlessly on facebook and got me through some of the worst of my days.

Becky and Jen, these ladies got me through the worst of the worst!  They are my fellow twin girl angel mommas and know almost exactly what it is like to be me.  I couldn't have gotten through without you!  Jen especially talked to me for hours upon hours shortly after losing the girls, she's a saint for putting up with me constantly messaging her, thank you!

Day 10: Symbol

Butterflies have always reminded me of my girls, especially when there are a lot of them in any one place.

Day 9: Special place

Since the girls were cremated and not buried we don't really have much of a special place for them.  But when I want to spend a little time with them I go through their photo albums and also spend some time with other families who have been where I am, which is what the March of Dimes name tag holder represents

Day 8: Jewelry

These items hardly ever leave my body.  My first piece of jewelry that I got was the two stone citrine ring, I got this within a month of losing the girls and has their birth stones on it, it was hard finding a ring with only two stones but this one was perfect, like it was waiting for me.  The second piece is my necklace that has the girls' handprints etched onto it, this is my most prized piece of jewelry.  Lastly are my march of dimes armbands since they have done so much for me and my family.

Day 7: What to Say

These are all things that were incredibly helpful and heartwarming things to hear people say after we lost our girls.  Things like this never need an explanation, sometimes it just takes knowing you're thinking of us to get us through the day.

Day 6: What not to say

When people talk to someone who has lost a child, they often don't know what to say.  In an effort to fill the awkward silence some pretty hurtful things come out of their mouths.  I tried not to be hurt by them, knowing that they were honestly trying to help but sometimes it still stung.  Here are some things that hurt, keep them in your minds and hearts the next time you enter into a conversation with someone like me, that they may hurt and cut to the bone if they come out of your mouth.

Day 5: Memorial

I painted these as part of a group project from one of my online support groups for my first mothers day without my girls.  The one on the left says "yet in the stillness of the night, my empty arms still hold you tight" and on the right says "mom holds her children's hand for a moment, their heart forever".  Going through your first mothers day without your children in your arms is almost too much to bear.  It's supposed to be a day to celebrate your motherhood, not a day to mourn that even though you're a mom very few people will still recognize you as one because they can't see your children.  This project helped to keep my hands and mind busy on such a hard day.

Day 4: Most Treasured Possession

These memory boxes are my most treasured possessions.  In them are the striped blankets that are the only things that I have that touched my sweet Emilyn and Hailey.  Their footprint blankets were also wrapped around them in many of our pictures.  Then there's the "I'm a girl" cards (3x5 for size reference) with their birth stats, and also their hand and footprints to the right.  The hats on the left side were made by my mom and the hats on the right were donated by Calivn's hats, a charity that provides hats to families in the size that would have fit their little ones that they have lost.  This literally is all I have that truly belonged to my girls, if I ever lost these boxes I don't know what I would do.

Day 3: After Loss Portrait

This was one week after we lost Emilyn and Hailey.  I am holding my girls one last time before we released their bodies to the funeral home to have them be cremated.  It's the last time I ever saw my little girls' in their earthly bodies.

Day 2: Pre-Loss Portrait

This is a picture of me on my wedding day to Charles, before Emilyn and Hailey were even thought about.

Day 1 Capture Your Grief Photo Challenge: Sunrise

I'm doing a 30 day photo challenge started by another angel momma Carly Marie.  Here is all the information about it.

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html

Sunrise on the first day of pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.